Losing
by TerryJ
Summary: What is really going on in his mind even though he acts like everything's fine as everything begins to fall apart


Everything is mr. wolfs none of it is mine so bladdy bladdy blah  
  
***SPOILERS FOR MONSTER AND AFTERSHOCK AS WELL AS THE WHOLE THING WITH LENNIE'S DAUGHTER***  
  
This takes place in the episode Monster right after Jamie leaves Jack's office after telling him that she's leaving.  
  
Jack opened up the manila folder he had in his hands and tried to read what was inside. He couldn't, all the words were blurry and unfocused. He tossed down the folder and leaned forwards, rubbing his eyes, they were wet.  
  
'Goddamn it' He thought to himself. He didn't get what he was getting all upset for. Sure Jamie was a good assistant but he had gone through many before her, and she had only worked with him for two years, not all that long. Plus, he had never been romantically involved with her, he had no reason to be upset at her leaving. Except of course for the fact that she was an extremely competent, helpful attorney who challenged Jack from every facet and supported him through a lot more then just cases.   
  
He moved his elbows to his knees and his hands to his forehead. He sat like that, looking at the floor, for a long time. So much stuff was going on. He wasn't sure if he could hold on. First Briscoe's daughter got shot and killed, Jack didn't really know her but still, it was a shock. He made a mental note to try and call his own daughter out in California.  
  
Then they had this horrible case that landed in their laps which was falling apart and they got railroaded to Judge Feldmen's courtroom who had it out for McCoy and Adam Schiff because all the while the Judge and the old DA were neck in neck in the battle for the office next door to Jack's.   
  
That was yet another thing. Life in this office with out Adam. He couldn't imagine it. Adam was the one who hired him close to 30 years ago. They had always worked in relatively close vicinity. Jack was one of the people who encouraged Adam to go after the D.A.'s chair. Jack had even eaten a few Thanksgiving dinners over at the Schiff residence.   
  
If Adam left on any terms other then his own, Jack didn't know how he would handle it, if he could handle it. And now, now if Adam leaves it would be because of that scumbag Feldmen. Jack sure as hell knew that even if he could stand the D.A.'s office without Adam Schiff that he would never be able to work side by side with Feldmen. One of them would be dead the first day.   
  
What if Adam lost? Granted it had never happened before, but this race was close. What would he do? Certainly not private practice. That was out of the question. Maybe he could go back to Chicago. Always a need for competent D.A.'s in a busy city like that. Or what about Boston? He had always liked visiting Boston. A quieter city, it would be like a vacation.  
  
Then again he was thinking as if he would still have a license to practice law. He may be headed for a permanent vacation sooner then he would like regardless of Adam's success. Thanks again to damn Judge Feldmen and the stupid disciplinary committee investigating the Dresslar case. Jack had been acting casual about the whole thing, telling everyone he wasn't worried. He really did want to just go through with everything by the book, admit to what he had done. He knew what he did and he felt bad about it, he really did, but he did not want to lose his license. Jack was not sure if he could exist free of the justice system.  
  
All in the middle of this Jamie decides she's going to up and leave. The only other person who could testify as to his state of mind during the Dresslar case decided she was going to testify then run. Leave him hanging without an assistant, possibly without a job. He and Jamie had their differences, but he liked her and trusted her. She always kept him on track when he got too passionate. She wasn't afraid to put him in his place. Having been a defense lawyer she had some handy contacts that were rare to find in the D.A.'s office. He hadn't even wanted her as an assistant, he hadn't wanted any assistant, after...after Claire. He didn't want to work that closely with anyone, especially a young, bright, attractive female someone. But Jamie came in and helped him through tough times and tough cases. The office would be different without her...If he was still in the office to notice the difference.  
  
'Goddamnit!' He thought again and again, running his hands through his hair. He couldn't stay here, he was too distracted. He didn't even bother changing into his jeans or telling Jamie he was leaving. He just grabbed his jacket and helmet and left.   
  
It wasn't really raining out, it was just dreary but the sharp intake of cold air felt good as Jack roared out of the parking garage. He didn't know where he was going, he was just driving, had to get these thoughts out of his head. The events of the past few days and the potential events of the next few days kept replaying in his head. He had a daughter, Jennie, in California. Like Briscoe he had never been close to her, as a matter of fact he hadn't seen her since she was barely able to walk, but still, like Lennie, it would tear him up inside if anything were to happen to her.  
  
He took a random left. What if Adam lost the election? It would be his fault for not following the damn political guidelines that Adam tried to make him follow. What was it the paper called him? A loose cannon? If he had only been a little bit more cautious. For that same reason he may loose his own job.   
  
He took another right on to a road he was sure he had never been on before. Life without the D.A.'s office...he didn't want to think about it. The stupid Dresslar case. Stupid drunk driver. Jack knew that he had been out for vengeance. If only Claire hadn't died this whole mess may have been averted...Claire... now he knew where he was going.  
  
He cut the engine at the gate and walked his bike slowly down the narrow path. He parked the bike at a bench and walked the remaining 50 feet to the modest headstone. Jack bowed his head and tried to think of why he was here. Lennie losing his daughter. Adam losing his position. Jack losing Adam. Jack losing his job. Jack losing Jamie. Jack losing the case. Losing his mind.   
  
"Claire..." he croaked out quietly. " Claire, you have no idea how much I wish you were here. I all ready lost you and my world spun enough out of control then. It was all coming back together. After that Dresslar case I thought it was all behind me. But now...now, I'm going to lose so much more and it's all helter skelter again." It was raining lightly so the tears that were now running down his cheeks were now indiscernible from the rain. "Claire, I can't do this, I can't...I can't handle losing anything else. I've given all I had and now their going to take what's left of my life. I don't know what to do." He paused, trying to collect his thoughts. "I don't like losing. I've never been good at dealing with it. In my family losing was not an option. But now, I could be losing so much and there's nothing I can do to control it. Nothing I can do. Its all out of my hands and oh god I'm afraid of what might happen."   
  
Jack bent down resting on the balls of his feet and put his hand on the ground over the grave. "Did I tell you Lennie's daughter was shot? She was coming around, going to get her life straight, then she got shot. Did I tell you that? Maybe you already know. Maybe she's up there with you? I hope so. I really do. I know Lennie hopes so too." At that he found himself saying aloud what had been running around in his head. All the worries and fears that he had refused to even acknowledge around anyone else. He spoke at length about Adam and Jamie, a bit about Jennie and then the disciplinary hearing. He told her how afraid he was and how sorry he was. He apologized about everything he had ever done. He apologized to that green grave until it hurt to speak. Then he just knelt there in the steadily increasing rain.  
  
After what seemed a long time he stood up and shivered. He realized his jacket was soaked through. Strangely he didn't seem to mind. Not that anything had been solved, but still, talking to her, the way he used to be able to, saying out loud what he had been thinking but afraid to hear, it made things seem better somehow. 'This is silly' he thought. There was so much work to be done and here he was unburdening himself to some one who was dead. He shook his head and walked back to his bike with a sad smile.  
  
On the way back to the office he had begun listing off all the ways he could strengthen his case against a child molester and eagerly strode down the hall to his office in anticipation in confirming some facts. He had barely taken off his coat when Adam came in without knocking.  
  
"What the hell is going on with you?"  
  
"I'm working." was Jack's toneless reply.  
  
"Your soaking wet and your pants are covered with mud. Did you have a fall?"  
  
"No, I just...I just went out."  
  
"In this weather?" Adam paused while he looked Jack up and down, then approached his desk and said in a much gentler tone, "Jack McCoy. I know your not letting on to everything that's going on in that head of yours, I know that this whole mess is bothering you more then you'll admit to. I won't have you screwing yourself and this office over because you won't let it out. I know how stressful these things can be. Come on, come have a glass of scotch in my office we can talk about what's going on with the disciplinary hearing."  
  
Jack smiled and looked at Adam thoughtfully. "No thanks Adam. I just got back from talking to an old friend and I think she helped me get things straightened away in my head. Now, if you don't mind, I'm pretty sure that Jamie wants to be able to leave before her custody hearing and marriage but she won't get out of here before this case is closed so I've got work to do." At that he bent doggedly over his one of his desk drawers hopelessly searching for a particular file buried beneath the clutter.  
  
Adam stared at what he saw in front of him. He shook his head, smiled. He quietly thanked who he knew to be responsible for Jack's change in mood and turned and left his EADA working determinedly at his desk. 


End file.
